Where Afterthought Begins

There was a man, Epimetheus. His name means afterthought. He lived in the regions around Thessaly (he could see Mt Olympus from his house) thousands of years after the serpent seduced Awdawm-ish and Awdawm-ishah. He was the son of the Titan Iapetus and the Oceanid Clymene, and lived to see the dawn of the Greek Bronze Age.

He and his brother Prometheus (forethought) worked for Zeus. They created and outfitted the animals with their various means of protection and survival. Prometheus did the creating. 

Rationing the gifts important for protection and survival was Epimetheus’s job.

He did well enough, and made some bad-ass animals, but when it came time to outfit mankind, there were no gifts left to give this sad, thin-haired, soft-skinned, slow-running, can’t-hide-in-the-bushes sorry excuse for a species

Someone should have gone to Target and gotten that T-shirt for his brother, Prometheus

There was only one thing to do. Prometheus stole fire from Olympus and taught mankind how to use it.

Zeus scowled down from his throne.

“Who do you think you’re messing with? I got something for your ass. These lumps of clay you…sculpted…? These crude likenesses of the gods you’re so fond of…? They’re the ones who're going to pay for your disrespect, ‘cause I’m going to show you how the gods can sculpt some clay. Now get outta here before I chain you to a rock or something.”

Zeus immediately assembled a team:

“Hephaestus…Take these sketches. I want you to work with Athena, Aphrodite, and Hermes. Build this delivery system for the weapon I developed. It's gonna cause misery for generations."

Zeus narrowed his eyes.

"Why are you still here?”

Athena drafted the Charities (Graces), the Horae (Seasons) and Peitho (Persuasion) to get started on the finishing touches while the rest of the team crafted a bombshell.

Hephaestus sculpted the ideal woman, as close to a goddess a woman made of clay can get. She was shapely and beautiful. With a talent for the loom and needle, she was schooled by Athena herself. Aphrodite made her both seductive and hungry. Hermes gave her guile and taught her to use it.

They called her Pandora -- all gifted.

Zeus was impressed.

“She’s the perfect gift for Prometheus’s backwards brother, wrap her up.”

Athena dressed Pandora in finery. The Seasons wove flowers into her hair, the Charities and Persuasion draped her neck in gold.

For the bow on top, Hephaestus and Athena collaborated on Pandora's gold crown.

Zeus set the trigger on the jar.

Prometheus had already tried to warn Epimetheus not to accept any gifts from Zeus because nothing good could come of it. But there’s a reason Epimetheus didn’t listen. He had no vision of the future. He and the primitive men he represents lived in a permanent state of now. There was no such thing as political discourse let alone anything that looked like a city. No future they could imagine was any different than every yesterday.

“Now I’m going to hunt.

“Now I’m going to eat.

“Now I’m going to use my meat to get that woman to come to my camp…no, wait…I changed my mind, I’ll get that woman (or any woman…whatever).

“Now I’m going to sleep.

“Now I’m going to wake up and kick the crap out of those noisy kids. Where'd they come from in the first place?”

You see what’s coming right?

You know as well as I do how often afterthought looks back to the time when the little head did the thinking.

Hermes presented the all gifted gift to Epimetheus.

***

Would you believe me if I tried to tell you this story gets less sexist?

***

Pandora was the Greeks’ first trophy wife.

But, what was in the Jar, and was Pandora the man-ipulator  the Greeks say she was?

Next time.